


Grief

by LBLBLB



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-10
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-14 14:07:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/837738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LBLBLB/pseuds/LBLBLB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leslie and Ben navigate their feelings during their breakup.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief

Leslie’s Denial  
So that’s that. It was good while it lasted, but he just wasn’t the one. 

She’d be lying if she said this didn’t sting a little worse than the ones that came before. She was so accustomed to being dumped; she’s developed a thick skin. With Dave and Justin, well things just didn’t work out. And she was sad about it a little. But it didn’t take her that long to recover. Now that she was older, she had gotten used to the idea of being a career woman, and not a married woman. Not that it was impossible to be both, of course. But it wasn’t her destiny. She spent a long time wanting it to be. In her twenties, she was aching to find love. She knew now that she had smothered them all, the resulting in many embarrassing breakup scenarios. She could laugh about them now, really. Except that she couldn’t.

She couldn’t because she was pissed at herself for coming on so strong. One of those men, (but not the one who dumped her mid-shower) could have been the one. If she had only slowed her roll, as Tom would say, she may not have messed up every relationship she’d ever had. She wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. She would have never had to break up with her boss. She’d be married. Shit, if she had gone to Purdue, she could have been married Ben, before he was her boss! Who was she kidding; she would have messed that up too. Scared him away. He would have dumped her without a button or an éclair. He would have dumped her on what she thought was going to be a romantic hike, or during a campus spirit rally. Either way - fantasy college Ben, or boss/ex-boyfriend Ben…they were not meant to be together. She kept repeating that to herself. Over and over.

So why could she not stop wanting him? She and Ann were spending tons of quality gal time together. But more often than Ann realized, Leslie wasn’t listening to her when she spoke. She was staring blankly at the TV and she missed all the jokes Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert made. And anything she found funny when she wasn’t wallowing in self-pity, made her think of Ben.

Ben, who it would never have worked with anyway. Because he was too - and she was so - Whatever, it wouldn’t have worked. They were too different, or too similar. Or whatever! Get it together Knope!

It’s not like she was in love with him.

Just because she missed him every second of the day, and she always, always thought of something that she wanted to tell him, or thought he would laugh at. Just because she would swear that the air was stolen from her lungs when she saw him in the hallways at city hall. It’s not as though she talked herself out of thinking about his arms around her and other parts of him all over her…every night. She really didn’t think it meant anything that when she had those thoughts, she would sometimes slowly come out of sleep and wake up to find her own fingers inside of her, clenching and releasing in a poor imitation of how it had really felt to have him cum inside of her. That proved nothing. 

It was lust. Not love. 

She was only having such a hard time because the sex was so damned good. She had never experienced anything close to it before. He was so able to make her come undone. It was like he KNEW where she wanted to be touched, and when, and with the perfect amount of pressure, and the way he looked at her while touching her…and this was lust, right? It wasn’t love. Had she even been in love before? Well, she loved her friends, her job, waffles, Pawnee (of course). But she had never been in love. 

She really believed that God, or Zorp, or the Universe, or whatever would guide her to find love. She couldn’t accept that it would hurt, or not work out because of stupid logistics. Love would work out because it should work out, because it was meant to work out. And it would be with someone who made her smile and loved her for just being Leslie Fucking Knope. And she would love him for being adorable, and having nice hair, and being a huge nerd, and sexing her stupid and…the universe wouldn’t be so cruel to send her all of those things and then rip it away.

So no. He wasn’t the one. He couldn’t be.

 

Ben’s Anger

So fuck it. 

Ever since Leslie and Ben broke up he was in full-tilt human disaster mode. A grown man crying in public in batman regalia - well there is nothing more to say, that cannot be topped. He was lost. He rearranged his entire life, quit his job with the state, moved to this random Podunk town for a job that he was overqualified for and came with a shitty salary.   
So maybe yes, it was all his fault, and not Leslie's; no one forced his hand to make those choices. Except that somehow she did! For his entire life (excluding the Boy Mayor fiasco) Ben Wyatt was never reckless. She was the one who forced him to fall in love with her. She was the one that made him make a million terrible decisions for the last year. She made him do it. He wasn’t sure how she did, but she did. 

And then she just threw him away. As if he hadn't sacrificed everything to be with her. And did she care? It sure as shit didn't seem like it. Okay so she cried the night before they broke up. But then almost immediately after that she was off gallivanting around city hall with an impossible smile on her face, making meticulously composed campaign speeches, writing a fracking book, facilitating an all-night religious cult gathering in Ramsett Park. It was a crushing blow to his sanity every time he caught a glimpse of her looking so totally normal and put together, because he was so far from it. He could barely shower and shave and show up for work! And yes, perhaps he knew that hooking up and falling in love with his subordinate could never in a million years end well. This was his fault. But right now, he was so finished with being sad and beating himself up that he was feeling like everything was Leslie’s fault. The gravity of his careless actions was so... No. He wasn't going to think about that now. 

Not now because, yeah. Shauna is coming on to him. This beautiful tall brunette is hitting on him, and Leslie is standing 30 feet away. And honestly, maybe Mean Ben should have a night out tonight. He's a human adult, after all. And Shauna is being pretty clear that she wants to go home and do him. So what’s stopping him? He's single. He lives with newlyweds that have annoyingly loud sex every single day while he only has memories of a woman who all but ripped his still beating heart from his chest. No. This isn't about her. This is about him. If an attractive female wants to give him attention, he deserves to go for it. But if it makes Leslie feel the slightest twinge of hurt - well that's just fine. She deserved it for completely destroying his life. That sounds so bad - Ben Wyatt would never do something like that - but Mean Ben might. So as he aforementioned, fuck it.

========

He knew Shauna would be at the e-720 party, and so he decided to show up, and hang around in her periphery. And so after standing at the bar for only a few minutes, Shauna was there, suddenly next to him. She turned to him with a wide smile and actually asked him to buy her a drink. So he did, a vodka and seltzer water. And he was pretty sure that it wasn't her fist one. They awkwardly attempted to talk over the drum line and the roar of the Bengal Tiger. But Ben had no idea what she was saying, and furthermore he didn't really care. 

She was taking long pulls of her drink suggestively through her straw, taking her time, drawing attention to her lips. Ben was no stranger to this type of blatant seduction. As a single, not terrible face-wise traveling state auditor, he was used to rolling into town and having desperate women attempt to latch onto him. Like maybe he could be their ticket to some place better than Snerling, or Munsee - or wherever. This was especially true in small towns like Pawnee, where the single pool was finite. And since he didn't grow up knowing everyone’s embarrassing adolescent history or rumors of past sexual escapades, the single women of these small towns salivated at his arrival. Most of the datable men (and women) had moved on to bigger cities with better opportunities. So the people who were left were the cool kids from high school who never wanted to stop being a big fish in their little pond. Or they were bound by family circumstances, or married their high school sweethearts. Or they were Leslie Knope, who didn't seem to fit into any category ever humanly devised. And crap now he was thinking about Leslie again. 

Anyway, as he was saying to himself while Shauna was jabbering on about, who cares. Towns like Pawnee were places that people move away from. The only moron who ever moved to Pawnee was Ben, and Chris...but Chris did it for a really good job opportunity. Ben did it for - Damn it! He didn't want to think about what he did it for.

He was distracted from Shauna, but she didn't seem to notice. He feigned interest in her; and it was easy because of the noise, and the sheer lunacy of this party, and the liquor didn't hurt either. So far this was not entirely going the way he had planned. Shauna was kind of boring. And deep down, he wasn't sure that he could be the guy who takes a pretty girl with low self-esteem home and has no intention of ever seeing her again. Mean Ben or not, a one night stand seemed a little childish. If it were ten years ago, sure. But he couldn't help thinking that this was a little too mean - it took another shot of whiskey to quell that guilt. 

Who knew, maybe he would marry Shauna Malwae-Tweep; maybe she was better than Les---shitcockdamnit. 

Well, honestly, he knew. He was only interested in her because she was not Leslie. She was quite plainly the opposite of Leslie. She was tall, brunette, and trying to be sexy. Leslie never had to try - she just was. 

And here comes another shot of whiskey for thinking that.

Shauna asked him to dance, but he declined. When he saw the pirate bouncy castle he smiled, and for a moment - just the tiniest infinitesimal flicker of a second - he got excited and thought about going to find Leslie so they could go play and bounce around in there... 

“Bartender!?!” 

Leslie. 

It hurt to even think her name.

The next thing he knew, Shauna had her hand wrapped around him from behind and she asked if he was ready to leave. Was he ready to leave? Yes. He wanted to leave this weird airplane hangar party, leave city government, leave Pawnee, leave his memories of Leslie, leave his own skin, and leave all of the hurt and dread that filled him every day. So, he turned and told her yes, before he really understood what he was saying yes to. 

======== 

And now they were off. A cab took them back to Ben's house and when they got inside, he immediately made himself another drink. He didn't need the liquid courage to seduce Shauna; clearly he didn't need to do anything to seduce her. But he needed it to forget the real reasons why he was going to do this.

He basically closed his eyes the entire time they kissed each other and assisted each other with strewing their clothes on the floor. He fumbled to the wall in his bedroom to turn the lights off. He really didn’t want to watch. But even without watching, the whole thing was a very…unfortunate experience.

Although Shauna was a very beautiful woman, she and Ben together…didn’t work. Ben was only slightly taller than Shauna, and they were both slight of frame and angular. When their bodies met, it was like bumping knuckles together. There was no balance or compliment. It only compounded the awkwardness of having sex for the first time. He clumsily donned a condom, because even drunk Mean Ben knew that desperate women in their thirties who have sex with men the same day they think they might like them often carry herpes or are ovulating. When they finally found their footing and the correct bodily fluid receptacles were in place, he penetrated her. And it was about as sexy as the word ‘penetrated’. He felt like it was a kick to the gut. He sobered up with that first thrust forward. And it hit him what a horrific, douche bag move he was pulling. The consequences became much, much louder suddenly. He was inevitably hurting Shauna. Leslie, if she found out, would be really appalled - not that he cared what Leslie…oh fuck it - of course he cared! And he was already starting to feel revolted by Mean Ben’s actions. Mean Ben was a real dick.

And he came to the conclusion that the real Ben Wyatt was the worst person in Pawnee, possibly the country, maybe the world. 

Shauna was on her back, moving her body in ways that didn’t really appeal to him. Their hip bones were banging into each other and it was rather painful. Shauna was moaning in this whiny shrill way that reminded him of really fake porn. And Ben was pretty sure that this was the worst sex he had ever had. Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad…but in comparison to what he was getting before with Leslie…yeah it was bad.

He couldn’t think of anything but Leslie. He was imagining all the things that he missed so desperately: The soft curve of her tiny body locking perfectly into place under him (or over him, or next to him), her warm smiling eyes, the way she kissed him so deftly, the circles her fingertips made on the back of his neck, her large round breasts, her perfect little light pink nipples, her smooth and radiantly pale skin that would flash red when she really wanted him, how wet she was even when he had barely touched her, how her legs used to squeeze his flank when he was riding on top of her, the way she lifted her ass to meet him halfway, how she would whisper his name in earnest, the passion she had for every moment, how every time they made love it felt new and different…and always better than the last time. 

Good lord. To think he just wanted to feel something other than hurt and longing for Leslie - epic fail.

But he was a little past the point of shutting this down, so he soldiered on. He was using his arms to hold himself up and away from Shauna so other than the fact that he was inside of her, they weren’t really touching. He buried his face in her long brown hair and tried desperately to drown in it. He’d had sex in the past with women (not many, but a few) that he cared about. And Chris was right, they all looked something like Shauna, or Tom/Ron’s ex, or Cindy Miller. Maybe if he dove into Shauna’s hair it would incite some kind of sensory memory of a more pleasant occasion that didn’t’ involve Leslie. But who was he kidding; he could barely remember sex before Leslie. And that really fracking pissed him off. She managed to ruin sex for him for the rest of his life too. Add it to the list.

He was in no way going to have an orgasm with Shauna. It was all too apparent that Shauna was not a suitable distraction. He was hoping that she would just hurry the frack up already. So he hunkered down and really pounded against her, forcing all kinds of unsavory gasps and moans to come from her that made his eyes roll up to the ceiling and think about the budget proposals on his desk, and which filing cabinet he would use for the new fiscal year records. 

Then finally Shauna told Ben that she was reaching her climax, and as soon as he felt her clench around him he made a b-line to dismount her. He threw himself to sitting on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands. And was breathing much harder now than he had been when he was drilling her.

“Are you alright…”

He dismissed her with a few ‘yeah yeah’s…’ 

“But did you finish?” She asked as she sat up and started hunting around for her clothes.

“…Er…yeah,” He said totally unconvincingly. “Listen, I’m sorry. I feel like an ass. I just…I thought I was ready. I broke up with someone not that long ago. But… I really. I’m sorry. Can I call you a cab? I’d give you a ride but I think I’m still pretty drunk. Oh, and my car isn’t here. Shit.”

“Ben. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I still had a good time.” She swooped her shirt back over her head and leaned in to give him a kiss. But there was nothing he wanted less. She must have seen that there was a flicker of disgust on his face and she started wildling scooping up her things and was out in the hallway before Ben had a chance to jump up and attempt a second apology.

As he was running after her, the front door opened. And in came Andy and April. 

Frack.

“Hey Roomie! What’s goin’…oh hey Shauna! Long time no see, its Andy. From your newspaper articles! Hey, what are you doing here?”

With the poor girl clutching half of her outfit in a heap across her arms, Ben thought it was pretty fucking obvious what she was doing here.

Silence.

“Hey this is April, my wife. She’s the one I told you I had feelings for.” No. Things could not have gotten more awkward.

…Except they did when Shauna gave a timid ‘hello’ to April, but she got a low grunt/growl in response. April was looking nowhere but Ben, her expression unfathomable. Andy, with his inability to deal with awkward situations excused himself, mumbling a ‘bye’ to Shauna and practically running into the bathroom.

Shauna managed to get past April to the front door. As she walked through Ben told her he would call her…which was a lie, because he didn’t have her phone number. And Shauna knew it. She cocked her head in disapproval and kept going. April yelled ‘goodbye’ and slammed the door behind her.

“Ben, what the hell?!”

“What? Is there a rule about no sex in the house now? Because if there is, you and Bert Macklin need to get out.” He whispered, because he really didn’t want to fight at all, but he really didn’t want to fight with Andy.

April just stood there defiantly. Andy came out of the bathroom, looking incredulous. “Dude - Shauna? She’s a super cute person and all - but I thought…”

“Thought what, Andy?”

“He thought you were gay. We know you like dancing at The Buldge.”

Ben just stared down at her.

“Whatever dude, just be happy. And be safe. Chlamydia is everywhere. The town slogan was going to be ‘First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity, Third in Chlamydia’ - but they cut that last part.” With that wonderful news Andy walked into the kitchen to grab food and sit on the couch, oblivious to Ben and April’s conversation.

He looked at her defiantly and asked, “Are you going to tell her?” April had a knack for knowing everything about everyone, without ever asking anyone questions about their lives. It was kind of creepy. “You should tell her. Call her right now.”

“No, Ben. I would never do that. Because I, unlike you; give a shit about Leslie. ”

“April, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Seriously. Tell her, don’t tell her. Do what you want. I’m not hiding anything from anyone. I don’t need permission from anyone, I’m a human adult.”

“Human Disaster.” He heard her mutter as she joined her husband on the couch and snuggled into him.

Two hours later when Leslie, still dressed in the same clothes as yesterday showed up on his doorstep and was utterly adorable and sneaky, Ben was finding it truly hard to be angry with her anymore. That was until she told him that she hadn’t realized until just now, that the romantic part of their relationship was over. 

Now who is showing up uninvited and gutting things with a machete? 

 

Leslie’s Bargaining

Because Pawnee was a small town, and Ben decided to have a clumsy one night stand with the local newspaper reporter, (How could he not see this coming?) It was common knowledge by Monday morning that the new assistant city manager slept with Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

Leslie went home from work before lunch.

“And so…you thought… that it would be a good idea to go and fuck someone else.” It wasn’t a question. 

“Leslie… ” He showed up on her doorstep around noon. She was wrapped herself in a throw blanket, her face was red but eyes were thankfully clear.

“Don’t!”

“We aren’t even together anymore!”

“No fucking shit Ben! Thank you for reminding me. Little overkill, don’t you think? Don’t you dare tell me we aren’t dating… you fucked Shauna Malwae-Tweep.” Her face was red and her entire body was trembling. Big fat tears were tumbling down her cheeks. “I know we aren’t dating anymore. Because if we were still dating…I…would…I…” And then she completely came undone. She sank down to the floor and was sobbing uncontrollably around a pool of her own tears. 

She wanted to be able to compose herself. In her mind she was berating herself to get her shit together. But truthfully, the only person who would have been able to rescue her from this mess was the same person who caused it. And knowing this made it even more impossible to stop crying! Why was this the day that Ann was working at the hospital!?!?!

As far as women’s liberation was concerned, Leslie was pretty sure that her behavior in this moment was single-handedly setting them all back to the dark ages. So she did what she always does best and she snapped out of it. She stood up and steadied herself and faced Ben Wyatt. 

“Okay. You can leave my property now, Benjamin. But I want you to know that the reason I am upset isn’t because you had an intimate encounter with Ms. Malwae-Tweep.”

“I really didn’t Leslie…”

“Well then, I’m confused. Because you just told me you did ten seconds ago.”

Ben raised his eyebrows and lowered his chin. She was really hoping that she was not seeing the corners of his mouth curl upwards after she spoke. Because if he laughed at her right now, she may start using her Swanson self-defense moves to kick his ass.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that it wasn’t intimate. It was awful, and maybe the worst mistake of my life. And I can’t believe I thought I could get over you. Not because we just broke up. I mean get over you - ever.” 

Oh god, her anger was waning and how was it possible in this moment, that she looked at him and thought he had a cute face and nice hair? The Pawnee Goddesses, Gloria Steinem, Condoleezza Rice, Madeline Albright, the centaur Greek goddess Diaphena, and Hermione Granger would all be so ridiculously disappointed in Leslie Knope.

“Well, Ben. You are going to have to. It is completely within your rights to move on.”

“I didn’t move on, Leslie. I totally screwed up. I am completely ashamed of everything that’s been going on in my life recently.”

“Well it really doesn’t seem like you have been making the best choices.” She mumbled. She was challenging him. Maybe she was projecting a little bit. God knows she was really unsure about the choices she made of late. And screw him. If they were supposed to be together, he wouldn’t have let her go. She managed to look up into Ben’s face and it wasn’t looking so adorable to her anymore. He looked angry. She had never seen him look angry, ever.

“You know what Leslie? You don’t get to tell me about my choices. Maybe you are right. I chose to leave my career behind and move to this completely inconvenient place because I fell completely, madly, hopelessly in love with a woman who dumped me the first chance she had. She is too damn stubborn and independent to want someone by her side. And she completely broke my fucking heart! So, yeah. I made a bunch of shitty choices trying to be with someone who is so unavailable. And then I made more shitty choices when I didn’t fight harder to keep her.”

Uh oh…

“But Leslie, your choices have been far worse. You chose to throw us away for a campaign. I gave up everything in my life and chose you! How could you do that to me? I love you, Leslie. Maybe I never said it, which in hindsight was another bad choice of mine. But you know I do. You.know.it! I never said it because I knew you wouldn’t say it back. And I couldn’t bear that. So you don’t get to throw me out of your house right now. This is as much your doing as it is mine.”

“I do love you, Ben.” The effort it took to say this felt like she was screaming through her tears, but the sound that came out was barely a whisper. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw that he had tears streaming down his cheeks. And she rushed herself over to him and they held each other, sobbing.

“I’m sorry, Leslie. I love you. I’m so sorry. Please. Please…” He whispered into her hair as she shook against his chest. She was so in love with him, so disgusted by his actions, so confused by her own actions, so completely desperate for sanity. She didn’t know what to do. But being held in his arms felt like the right thing to do for now. She had never heard anything more beautiful and earnest than him saying ‘please’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again. It soothed her, steadied her, she was comforted by him. Which seemed impossible because he just broke her heart like, two hours ago? 

“I love you too, Ben. I’m sorry too. I didn’t throw you away. I never wanted to let you go. You were so kind. You were so quick to let me go.” She meant it. She should have said it much sooner. Her hands balled into fists and she started pushing his chest away from her. “But why didn’t you just wait for me Ben? Why did you do that? How could you love me and do that? I don’t know, I don’t know, Ben.” Remembering all of the information from the day, the thought of Ben kissing and touching and making love to someone else, she backed away; horrified that she was just clinging to this man who maybe she didn’t know at all. He grabbed her hands and fell to his knees before her. For a second she thought he was going to propose…no, he wasn’t stupid. He did something stupid, but he wasn’t that stupid.

“Leslie, I know I am the worst. I messed up. I don’t expect you to forgive me. But please let me tell you this. I never want to be with anyone but you, for the rest of my life. I don’t want anyone but you. I love you. So, run your campaign. Win. I know you will win. Count on me to be at every event, to make a thousand phone calls, to knock on every door. I will do anything for you. I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything you want. I am praying that includes me. I want you to forgive me, for everything. But I don’t expect you to. But I am going to do everything in my power to try. I only want you. If you never forgive me, I understand. But I’m never giving up on you, on us again.” He stood up and started towards the door, but she didn’t let him go. She couldn’t. She pulled his hand back and kissed him. It was just a peck on his cheek. She surprised herself that she even did that. His face lit up and he smoothed her hair on the side of her face, beaming at her like he just found out that he was a lottery winner.

“Okay.” She really tried not to smile, she did! But God. She could not look at his stupid face after he said so many things that made her feel so many feelings and not smile. Argh! This was such a mess.

He was still smiling. That coy, head-tilt smile that made her want to melt into the floor. He backed away from her not letting go of her fingertips until the very last second. “Okay, Leslie.”

And as he backed out of her house, Leslie wanted to pull him back, to yell at him not to go. To never go. But the sting of last night’s activities left her feeling a little repulsed by him. And she wished she could be stronger and throw him out of her life forever.

Maybe she was wrong. He was ‘the one’. No one who was less than that could make her feel this way. Except that he totally just ruined everything. But he ruined it because she ruined it first. Shit in a shark tank!

 

Ben’s Depression

Ben was down. He couldn’t sleep. He wasn’t eating. He started smoking again – he’d quit at 25, so eleven years were down the drain there. He just - he was falling apart everywhere. He introduced himself to a tree once. Started thinking about random things like how small they could make a t-shirt. He really needed sleep. He really needed Leslie. He was seriously depressed.

So he decided to embark on a mission. His objective was to prove to Leslie how utterly important she was to him. He wound up being the unofficial mascot of her campaign because he was everywhere the campaign went. Barnes asked him if he wanted to take on a more official role, like volunteer coordinator. But Ben declined. He didn’t want to make anything uncomfortable for Leslie. So he just went. To everything. Followed her campaign like she was the messiah and he her disciple. 

And watching her do this? This thing that she was meant to do? God, he was starting to feel like he worshiped her. She was so amazing at this. To think that he almost had the nerve to take it away from her - to deprive the people of Pawnee this woman, this goddess, this perfect and unstoppable force of positivity. He was almost glad they broke up. Almost.

His work at city hall? Not going well. Chris was convinced that he had mono and made him take sick days. So it took his three weeks of sick time all at once and devoted himself full-time (and then some) to Leslie’s campaign. Which was fine, he had tons of time stored up. And double fine because he hated bumping into Leslie at work. They had not spoken since he left her house a month ago. When she saw him in the halls, she turned and ran the other way. In meetings they had to both be in, she wouldn’t look him in the eye. He felt so terrible. This was a delicate situation and he was like a bull in a china shop. Or he was afraid he would be. Really he was barely looking at her either. He didn’t want to impose on her, or see any hurt in her eyes that he was most certainly the cause of. 

He didn’t want to force anything. And what he did was so extremely fraked up that he was having a very hard time forgiving himself so he knew it would have to be ten times worse for Leslie. 

So he just dove into her campaign. He stuffed envelopes and went door to door and had like, a million bumper stickers on his Saturn. He asked people for money and helped set up sound equipment for her speaking engagements. He was always careful to not be in her bubble. He didn’t want to distract her from her goals. He stood in the back and listened to every word she uttered and digested it like food. It was the only thing sustaining him. And it was enough. For a while.

But after a while…

He started lingering. He went back to work and made her look at him, asked her questions directly in meetings. The first time she looked him in the eyes, it was everything he feared. But then by some miracle, she smiled, chuckled a little bit too. And he kept going. He left her notes on the podium before her speeches. Quotes from her favorite political figures and inspirational sayings. Always signing them: Love, Ben. She stopped turning the other way in the halls. She made eye contact with him in the high school auditorium while giving a speech. The section where she looked at him? It was about the future, and hope, and making progress together. He cried. Like a giant baby. But she made him do that. She could make him do anything. She was so proficient in tugging at his heartstrings that he could not help it when he started sending her flowers. 

First it was flowers. Then he started sending her gifts: Fancy scarves, a custom-made plush Lil Sebastian, a waffle pendant necklace, and one very rare and very expensive first-edition signed autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt. They all came with cards signed with his love. 

He started feeling lighter. Like he wasn’t burdened with this love for her. It felt nice to give it to her, even though it was via proxy. He wanted to keep giving it to her. It helped him sleep at night. He started eating. He stopped smoking and he grew a beard. A simple symbol that he was now an adult, that he was making steps to improve himself. He really didn’t know that was why he started growing the beard. But it was.

And the added bonus? Leslie liked it! The first time she spoke to him outside of a meeting, she smiled and told him that she really liked his beard. And that she really liked his gifts. And that she really liked the notes that he left her. But she really, really liked his beard. Then she smiled more and blushed and walked away. 

Oh my god.

He was so excited. 

So he started texting her. 

-Good job with that speech tonight. 

-You look beautiful today.

-Did you read Bobby Newport’s op ed about nougat!? You’re going to kick his butt!

-I saw a special on the History Channel about Eleanor Roosevelt and thought of you today. I think she would be proud of you.

-I may not have already told you, but I am voting for you tomorrow. And I can’t wait to see your name on the ballot!

-You’re wearing my scarf today! I thought it would make your eyes sparkle even brighter than normal…it does, btw.

Even as he sat across the room from her, as the election results were announced, he texted her three times in rapid succession.

-Congratulations!

-I love you.

-Watching you do this has made me a better man.

He saw her look at her phone. And she found his eyes through the crowd. She stood up and pressed her phone to her heart and sighed, her smile reaching her eyes. 

Ben Wyatt no longer felt depressed.

 

Benslie’s Acceptance

He waited. 

All of her supporters were trickling out of the victory party. Ben nursed his drink and sat with Tom and Donna. He was enjoying their company and feeling relaxed. 

Leslie was hardily laughing with her new constituents, accepting their congratulations and praise. She was simply glowing, she could feel it radiating out of her. Her face hurt from smiling. 

They kept looking over at each other, occasionally one catching the other mid-stare. Leslie thought Ben looked sexier than usual tonight in his maroon plaid and tight kakis. He had his sleeves rolled to his elbows and was alternating taking slow sips from bottle of Stella and peeling back the label on the bottle. Perhaps it was the win that had her keyed up, but the sight of the muscles of his forearms working on that label was making her breathing speed up and her heart flutter.

Ben couldn’t help but stare at her. Her hair was pinned back in a chignon, tendrils floating over her cheekbones. The scarf he bought her was a rich blue with silver thread running through it. It made her eyes pop more than usual. He could see their vibrant color all the way from the far end of the room. Every time their eyes made contact he could feel his heart stop for a moment. She was so incredibly pretty tonight. He always thought she was beautiful and gorgeous and sexy. But tonight, she was all of that and more. She had a power about her, a layer of confidence that he hadn’t seen in a long time.

He knew that he was a big part of the reason she lost that sparkle in the first place. He hoped he also played a part in helping her gain it back.

“You girl is lookin’ fly tonight Wyatt.”

“My ‘girl’?”

“Yeah, Councilwoman Knope. She’s looking like a hot mamma. You gonna hit that or what?”

“I…she’s not a mom…’hit that’?...why would…she’s not my…” Ben was spluttering, but his smile and rouging cheeks were betraying him.

“Come on Ice Town. We know you’re in love with each other. You don’t have to hide it now that she’s on the council.”

“With each other? Guys - we aren’t together. We aren’t!”

“For real? Well you need to be! Take that sexy lady home. She totally wants you to. She is not good at playing sneaky. I’ve seen her eye fuck you like six times already tonight.”

“I…what…”

“Donna, let’s bounce outta here. Ben clearly needs a moment to gather his thoughts before he goes and propositions his girrrrl.”

“Don’t blow it, Wyatt!”

All he could manage was a hasty and quiet, “See you guys.” as they went over to Leslie and made their goodbyes.

Soon it was only Ben, Leslie, and Marlene left at the party. Ann was making her exit to get to an overnight shift at the hospital, and Ron was clearing all the tables of bacon-wrapped shrimp left to take home with him.

Marlene was talking to Leslie and making side eyes with Ben. Her glance was like an ice bath. She clearly knew that Ben was responsible for breaking her daughter’s heart. She was talking closely to Leslie, clearly irritated by Ben with the way she was pointing at him, her mouth turning thin.

Ben just sat, finishing his drink and awkwardly pretending that there weren’t two people 20 feet away from him fighting because of his mere presence. Enough of this.

Ben rose from his seat and drained his bottle. He walked over to Marlene and Leslie and employed all of the lessons that Leslie taught him on how to properly deal with her ball-busting mother.

He squared his shoulders and moved quickly to the pair of Knopes. “Marlene! You look beautiful this evening, almost as beautiful as your daughter. You must be incredibly proud of her tonight. City Council is a big step on the road to the Governor’s mansion.”

“Governor?”

“I think Leslie would be a great Governor, US Senator, or President even. You don’t?”

Leslie was smiling, Marlene stuttering and incredulous.

“Ben, as you can see, this party is winding down to a family gathering, and…”

“Say no more, Marlene. Leslie – I’m so beyond happy for you.” He kissed her on the cheek and made his way to exit. But Leslie’s hand snapped forward and gripped his wrist tightly.

“Mommy, it’s getting late. I’ll call you tomorrow. Thanks for everything.”

Marlene’s eyes whipped between Leslie and Ben, then to her daughter’s hand. She seemed to be fighting an internal struggle. Leslie lowered her chin and raised her eyebrows and simply said, “Mother.”

“Goodnight dear. I’m so proud of you.” Before she turned to leave she stared into Ben’s eyes. Unable to say what she really wanted to, her face was cold and sharp. “Ben.” She nodded and turned away.

As soon as Marlene cleared the doorway, Leslie let go of Ben’s arm and took a step back, her eyes were wide and unsure. “Um…”

Ben took back the space she’d left between them and gathered her waist in his left arm, and took her hair in his right hand and kissed her lips softly, slowly, lovingly.

And she kissed him back.

“Leslie. I’m sorr –“

“Shhhhh, no more apologies, Ben. Just kissing, and touching.” She was smiling into his mouth. Her hands sliding up his back and gripping his muscles. 

It was the happiest moment of his miserable life.

========

They were lying under her blankets in the bed, sweaty from hours of foreplay and lovemaking. Blissed-out of their minds and boneless.

“Am I allowed to apologize now?”

“No.”

“But I want to.”

“You already did. Months ago. And I appreciated it then. But now it’s just kind of annoying. And it makes me think about the whole thing and then I get upset because I don’t want to think about you doing what we just did with her…”

“I promise you I didn’t do anything remotely close to what we just did with anyone, ever. That cannot be replicated or improved upon or categorized as anything less than you and me. It’s not even in the same universe as anything else. It’s just you and me. And it’s so perfect and mind-blowing that I truly went cerifreakingfiable when I thought I’d never have it again.”

“Well, I didn’t really handle it well either.”

“Yeah well it’s not like you went out and had sex with someone else.” Leslie is quiet. “Right?” Still she is very, very, very quiet. She’s never this quiet. “Never mind. It’s none of my business. We were broken up, I hurt your feelings. I messed everything up horribly. You should have felt like you could go out and make yourself happy.”

“But here's the thing, no one makes me happy except for you.”

“That goes double for me. I am so completely in awe of you Councilwoman Leslie Barbara Knope. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I am so in love with you that it scares me a little.”

“Love isn’t scary, Ben.”

“It is when you don’t know if the person you love loves you back or not. It is when you aren’t sure if the woman you love can ever trust you, or want you the way you want her, or if she’ll forgive you for being stupid. Then it’s not just scary it’s terrifying!”

Leslie was tracing lazy circles on his bare chest, her cheek pressed above his heart and she hummed.

“Ben, I love you. I trust you. I want you.”

He held her tighter and asked, “But do you forgive me?”

“No. There’s nothing to forgive really. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was being selfish. I couldn’t be with you but I wouldn’t let you go. Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t feel like I have to, Leslie. I’m just so glad that we’re here now, where we were always meant to be. It might take a little while to heal…”

“I’m healed. It honestly doesn’t bother me at all. Like you said, this is where we were meant to be. Maybe we couldn’t get here without all that mess. Who knows what would have happened if we never went through all that.”

“Yeah?”

“You said that watching my campaign made you a better man. Well, watching you watch my campaign gave me strength, and hope, and made me fall hopelessly in love with you.”

“You mean you weren’t in love with me before?” He tickled her waist and she howled and squirmed.

“Humm, maybe I was. Shut up.”

“Make me.”

As they twisted around each other in a cacophony of giggles and moans and gasps, they both knew that the time to grieve over lost time was over. They had nothing but love to look forward to.

 

The End


End file.
